mimi coffee

goals in mind

I am trying to straighten my life up, if that makes any sense. I spent a small portion of today looking at my past journal, and hunting down journals of my friends and classmates. I am sort of jealous of the fact that they had tight-knit communities. Their friends commented, and they updated their journal regularly up until the point Myspace or Facebook started to kick it. At one time, Livejournal and Xanga were actually sort of popular. They aren't dead, but people tend to be more into social networking these days. Such a shame. I have been journaling online on and off since 2004. I haven't truly stopped.

I deleted most of my entries but one or two. I want a fresh start. I plan on updating at least one a week are the bare minimum. Hopefully I will be able to hold myself to that standard.
mimi coffee

Writer's Block: Back to the future

If you were 12 and could see yourself now, do you think you'd be happy or disappointed, and why?

I'm not so sure disappointed would be correct. My twelve-year old self might be disappointed that not much has changed when it comes to my home life and how people treated me. Back then I was bullied by my classmates, which led to me attempting suicide various times throughout sixth and seventh grade. I ended up self harming a few months before seventh grade ended. My family, my mother and father, were verbal abusive. I would be called a waste of time, stupid, etc. They would scream and yell at me how I did nothing right, but they would never show me what I did wrong or how I could fix it. Sometimes I would catch them talking about me behind my back, and when I caught them they would deny it right in my face.

Not much has changed.

My mother has become even more OCD about how I do things, including the way I dress. At twenty I apparently do not dress my age, so I am told one minute to wear "mom jeans" and summery tops and the next to dress like the rich preppy college kid on television. My hair is never straight here, despite the fact it's not naturally straight in the first place. I have to straighten it if I want it straight, and that can be a hassle some mornings. I like my natural hair, and so do the people around me. While my dad still has issues, he's mellowed out. That might be because I tend to avoid him, and he works during the day.

The middle school kid I used to be would be shocked. For one, I'm still alive. I live at home, and I did not get to go to a college that had dorms. I am going to a community college twenty minutes away. I guess she'll be happy I found someone who loves me for me. She might be confused----I changed a lot. I am more outgoing and I don't care what strangers thinks of me.

A mixed reaction, I guess.